Author Archives: Rob Kendall

How 2 Seconds Can Save Your Relationship

Whether we like it or not, most of our decisions are made at a subliminal level. Advertising companies understand and exploit this on a daily basis. For example, a study of supermarket shoppers found that 77% of wine purchased was French when French music was playing over the loud speaker. When the music was switched to German, 73% of the wine bought was German. It’s an uncomfortable truth that our subconscious brain determines the vast majority of our behaviours.

Perhaps no real harm is done in the supermarket example, but the damage can be more lasting in our relationships. Our brain is wired to adopt a ‘better safe than sorry’ approach, meaning that it assumes a defensive posture without consulting our conscious mind. Before we know it – literally –  we feel a flush of irritation, snap at our partner, or interrupt them mid-sentence with a well-aimed ‘Yes, but…’

Once the process of escalation starts, the body clicks into well-rehearsed routine. Emotions rise in intensity, a rush of chemicals are distributed in preparation for a confrontation, and our speech accelerates in speed and volume. If we don’t make a conscious decision to change track we find ourselves, in a matter of seconds, in a destructive blamestorming conversation. And words can hurt. They are like seeds that land in the heart.

So, what can we do to keep our centre of gravity? In 25 years of study, I’ve found that one of the most effective habits for regulating the flow of healthy dialogue is to manage the process of turn-taking, by which we pass the baton between speaker and listener.

Turn-taking may seem absurdly simple. After all, what can be complicated about the idea that one person speaks and then the other person speaks? In fact, the dynamics of turn-taking – the product of 50,000 years of language development – are more finely tuned and gloriously constructed than the gears and springs of a Swiss watch. For example, do you know that your voice goes through a slight change in pitch whenever you’re nearing the end of your speaking turn? Or that you provide subtle eye signals that are picked up by the listener at a subliminal level? This is repeated each and every time the speaker switches.

Because turn-taking operates in the background of our thinking, we don’t give it the conscious attention it deserves. Besides, in our world of stress and time scarcity, even a split second gap between speaker and listener can feel like a luxury. Winston Churchill summed up the prevailing attitude pretty well when he said, ‘Stop interrupting me while I’m interrupting you.’ As we adopt the mindset that the only way to get heard is by shouting our opinions through a wall of noise, it’s little wonder employees say that at least a third of work meetings are a waste of time and that political debate is a busted flush.

Here are two habits you can experiment with in every conversation:

  1. Observe the dynamics of turn-taking. For example, notice how you abandon the sacred gap between speaking and listening when emotions start to rise. Since the beauty of ‘noticing’ is that it introduces choice, try allowing the other speaker to finish what they’re saying without interruption and wait for two seconds before you reply. This isn’t easy, because our urge to interrupt can feel overwhelming, but neither is it impossible. Introducing a pause between speakers creates a space for thinking and perspective-taking, and allows people to feel heard. The more strongly you disagree, the more important the pause becomes.
  2. Jointly agree that you’ll respect the value of turn-taking with your colleagues, family and partner. Jony Ive’s creative meetings at Apple are famous for long periods of silence, allowing time for people to think. Such pauses are only possible if people feel confident that they’ll get their opportunity to speak, which makes it easier to listen. Demonstrating the importance of turn-taking can be hardest with the people we love the most, which makes it all the more necessary.

Turn-taking is an ancient practice, built on time-honoured values of respect and reciprocity. In a world in which outrage is all the rage, the health of our relationships may depend on it.

 

References

Bögels et al., Neural signatures of response planning, Scientific Reports, 2015.

De Ruiter et al., Projecting the End of a Speaker’s Turn, Linguistic Society of America, 2005.

Holler et al., Turn-Taking in Human Communicative Interaction, Frontiers in Psychology, 2015.

What You Can Do to Combat Stress

The statistics on stress don’t make for happy reading. It’s been called the ‘health epidemic of the 21st century’ by the World Health Organization, costing American businesses up to $300 billion a year. In the UK, 39% of people who are signed off work for health reasons are suffering from stress.

Our foraging ancestors honed their ability to react almost instantaneously to threatening situations. While stress responses can be perfectly healthy when they’re brief and acute, the converse is true; chronic stress is incredibly unhealthy. Think of the analogy of an elastic band: it can be extended to several times its length, but if you stretch it for long enough, it reaches a point where it won’t spring back to its original size. If your body is in a continuous state of heightened arousal, you’ll find that you can’t switch off.

In my book Workstorming, I refer to four modern-day strategies that we employ to cope with the demands of daily life. But, when strung together over weeks, months or years, we pay a heavy cumulative price:

  • Firstly, there’s STACKING, which is about the way we manage our TIME. To cope with the ever-increasing demands on us, we fill every available space in our calendar, leaving few – if any – pauses between them. This in turn can leave us in a state of overwhelm. In the same proportion that we cram our calendar, we sacrifice opportunities for recovery.
  • Secondly, there’s SPINNING which is the way we manage our ATTENTION. Our modern-day attention span is embarrassingly capricious. Each time we find a new source of stimulation, we get the reward of a small dopamine hit, but the chemical process doesn’t stop there; our body increases production of the stress hormone cortisol and the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline. What’s more, in our effort to focus our emotional and mental energy on the new moment – and let go of the last one – we consume oxygenated glucose, which is exactly the fuel that our brain needs to think clearly. When repeated hundreds of times daily, we experience an inexorable rise in stress and fatigue, and erosion in our decision-making abilities.
  • Thirdly, there’s SKIMMING, which is the way we deal with INFORMATION. We’re consuming five times more information than we did in 1986 – equivalent to 175 newspapers a day – but we pay an energy tariff for extracting the wheat from the chaff. Not only do we need to decide which information we’ll ignore, which we’ll pay attention to now, and which we’ll come back to later, but we also need to decide what we’re going to do with it. Even small decisions take a levy on our energy reserves.
  • Finally, there’s SPILLING, which is the way we collapse our BOUNDARIES. Each time we read our emails during a meeting or check who’s sent a text message during a meal at home, we erode the boundaries – and the sacred spaces – between tasks, relationships or domains of our lives. This is now endemic; for example, a study of employees in small to medium-sized businesses across the USA found that 55% of workers check their email after 11 p.m.

If we allow them to become a way of life Stacking, Spinning, Skimming and Spilling are wrecking balls for wellbeing. As leading occupational psychologist Rob Archer says: ‘In situations of high demand, recovery is essential. If we become chronically stressed, it harms our performance in the short term and our health in the long term.”

So, what can we do to reclaim control? The good news is that we can make small, immediate changes to our daily routines. For example:

  1. When you plan your day or your week, fiercely protect the spaces between commitments. These are your recovery periods. If you have 10 minutes between meetings, don’t use this time to scan emails. Go for a short walk, breathe the air, or do something that feels markedly different from what comes before or after it.
  2. Say ‘no’ more often, or at least negotiate the terms of requests. If you feel overwhelmed, you probably hate saying ‘no’, but people (and especially family) aren’t going to thank you for the additional stress. You probably have more room to negotiate than you think.
  3. Seek periods of uninterrupted time each day to focus on a single activity. For example, turn off your email while working on a document so that banner messages don’t flash up on your screen, and only have one document open on your computer at a time. In a home context, ensure you do something daily, even for a short period of time, that brings you joy. The more it absorbs your attention, the better. This is the underlying principle of mindfulness.
  4. Turn off your emails when you leave work. In doing so, you strengthen the boundaries between home and work. If someone needs to reach you urgently, they can call you.

As the pressure goes up, our instinct is to squeeze out recovery time. This is a fatal mistake. The busier we get, the more we need to find corresponding opportunities to slow down. As the old Zen saying goes: ‘Meditate for 20 minutes a day unless you’re too busy, in which case meditate for an hour.’

 

 

References:

Employees Reveal How Stress Affects Their Jobs https://www.businessnewsdaily.com/2267-workplace-stress-health-epidemic-perventable-employee-assistance-programs.html

GFI Software report, 2013, http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/survey-checking-email-at-night-on-weekends-and-holidays-is-the-new-norm-for-us-workforce-207352741.html

Levitin, D.J., The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload, Penguin Books, Great Britain, 2015.

Rob Archer, the Career Psychologist, http://www.thecareerpsychologist.com/

Latest work

I’m currently exploring the skills and habits of values-based decision-making in collaboration with the brilliant occupational psychologist Rob Archer.

This is the focus of our research:

How can we reliably take actions that move us towards our values, even when we’re under intense pressure?

Drawing on empirical findings from clinical psychology and neuroscience, we’ve tested our models, tools and programmes in high-pressure environments that include major construction projects, global financial institutions and Formula 1.

Please be in touch for more information.

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